recently….as PF has been living away, he keeps finding excuses to call/email/or just show up and tell me reasons why I must be needing him back here. My response below.
I really don’t understand why every single request you’ve made to come back here has been couched in “but, you must NEED me to be back, let me come back and rescue you” language.
I don’t need you here. I don’t need to be rescued. I’m doing quite well, logistically and in day to day terms, thank you very much. Yes, you used to do the cat box and take out the trash. So, I do that now. Frankly, BFD. It makes little to negative difference to my life.
Did you really think that mattered? I mean, it was super nice and all–but mattering? no.
chipping in and shouldering your share of the real work (i.e., child rearing and life decisions)
caring about other people’s needs
manifesting genuine commitment
stuff like that matters. the trash, not so much. and you know, things like the endless commitment to vacuuming that never happened…
It’s actually much cleaner and more well regulated with you gone, frankly. I’d forgotten how well I can run a household. Of course it is 3x too big for me, but I’ve just closed off lots of doors.
What I needed was a real person, who really could love and be present, and well, real. And that I could not have, at least in the last few years. So sad.
I need to not be lied to and made a gigantic fool of, and to not be humiliated and spied on and have my intimate life shared with your lover/mistress/whore who was only using you anyway (and you like a dork though it was love. No, really !? D’oh!)
I need a person who can be trusted to honor a bond…a commitment…a convenant, if you will.
Because in the end, that is all there is. We come in to this world alone, and we leave it the same way. If along the way, we can gentle the harshness a bit with loving kindness, then we are lucky. That is a sacrament–as the Belmont minister said, community is salvation. Well a marriage (or family) is a little community. But they only work when we all try to honor each other’s best intentions, and do not work to undermine and deceive.
So, the salvation we had–it’s now gone, replaced with damnation.
We can otherwise choose to make another person’s life a living hell. I guess we know what you chose.
It all comes back to the lying: you can’t even be honest about the fact the YOU want to come back here. You place the onus on me. I don’t especially want you here. It’s you who want to come here. But you always have to say that I want you. No– say the truth, that you want to come here and we’ll talk.