part of a conversation….

His question, via email:     “the most important thing in my life and I fucked it up.  problem was I didn’t realize it was the most important thing in my life.  how could I not have known that?”

My response:   “The evidence was all around you. You were welcomed home with love and warmth. Called almost daily, with love and concern. On and on. Look at what I put my body through so we could try and have more children. Thank god we didn’t.

 

But it was never good enough for you.  You need to be creative, to be free, not ever have any responsibilities, to always have someone to resent, to have a handy cum-dumpster–a full body masturbator, if you will.

 

Secrets are fun; secrets are powerful. You got off on having multiple women taking care of you, right ?and the thrill of secret relationship. and thrill of the illicit sex. And the thrill of having power over me, and being able to feel so much better than me. The fun of telling your lover all about me, about violating my privacy and Lucia’s privacy too, with your whore–who was, it only it turns out–using you and couldn’t care less about you after all.

 

And all I ever wanted was to hold your hand and go through life as your partner.

 

Well, I seriously doubt I’ll ever be able to bring myself to have sex with you again, since know it’s  all about power with you, and not true lovemaking. And then there’s you fantasizing that I’m Shannon–which we both know is the truth, not the pallid version you admitted to…. Plus, I will never again have any self respect if I allow you anywhere near my soul again.

 

You’ve lied to me once too often, once too egregiously.

 

And I’m just waiting for the next shoe to drop.

a little more on the need for honesty in small(er) things

recently….as PF has been living away, he keeps finding excuses to call/email/or just show up and tell me reasons why I must be needing him back here.  My response below.

Dear xxx:

I really don’t understand why every single request you’ve made to come back here has been couched in “but, you must NEED me to be back, let me come back and rescue you” language.

 

I don’t need you here. I don’t need to be rescued. I’m doing quite well, logistically and in day to day terms, thank you very much.  Yes, you used to do the cat box and take out the trash.  So, I do that now.  Frankly, BFD.  It makes little to negative difference to my life.

Did you really think that mattered?  I mean, it was super nice and all–but mattering? no. 

 

What matters:

 

loving

communicating

being honest

being sincere

being yourself

being real

chipping in and shouldering your share of the real work (i.e., child rearing and life decisions)

taking responsibility

caring about other people’s needs

manifesting genuine commitment

 

stuff like that matters.  the trash, not so much.  and you know, things like the endless commitment to vacuuming that never happened…   

 

It’s actually much cleaner and more well regulated with you gone, frankly. I’d forgotten how well I can run a household.  Of course it is 3x too big for me, but I’ve just closed off lots of doors.

 

What I needed was a real person, who really could love and be present, and well, real.  And that I could not have, at least in the last few years. So sad.

 

I need to not be lied to and made a gigantic fool of, and to not be humiliated and spied on and have my intimate life shared with your lover/mistress/whore who was only using you anyway (and you like a dork though it was love. No, really !? D’oh!)

 

I need a person who can be trusted to honor a bond…a commitment…a convenant, if you will.

 

Because in the end, that is all there is.  We come in to this world alone, and we leave it the same way.  If along the way, we can gentle the harshness a bit with loving kindness, then we are lucky. That is a sacrament–as the Belmont minister said, community is salvation.  Well a marriage (or family)  is a little community.  But they only work when we all try to honor each other’s best intentions, and do not work to undermine and deceive.

 

So, the salvation we had–it’s now gone, replaced with damnation.

 

We can otherwise choose to make another person’s life a living hell.  I guess we know what you chose.  

 

It all comes back to the lying: you can’t even be honest about the fact the YOU want to come back here.  You place the onus on me.  I don’t especially want you here.  It’s you who want to come here.  But you always have to say that I want you. No– say the truth, that you want to come here and we’ll talk.

Drumroll please… more infidelity, going back more years!

Ladies and gentlemen, mesdames et monsieurs, Herren und Frauen, I have the distinct pleasure of presenting to you…. the oeuvre of a pathetic man.  Who wrote mash notes and pickup lines to women he did not know, on the subway, at the coffee shop…even the waitress at the restaurant where they went to eat after his mother’s funeral.

Quite Extraordinary (click on images to embiggen them.)

wonder what she thought about the old creeper oogling her?

The dinner after his mother’s memorial service…Nice one!

what a clown.

OMG–more creeper-watching… hard to eat lunch.

I am a scientist, I seek to understand

i am a scientist – i seek to understand me
all of my impurities and evils yet unknown
i am a journalist – i write to you to show you
i am an incurable
and nothing else behaves like me

and i know what’s right
but i’m losing sight
of the clues for which i search and choose
to abuse
to just unlock my mind
yeah, and just unlock my mind*

Another forensic email

I was looking at the black notebooks of work stuff that you left in the study, and I couldn’t help but notice that the one that runs from about (8-Feb-10) through (28-Oct-10) is really dense with work notes.  

 

Then the next one picks up at about the first week of (November 2010) and runs…all the way till a couple of weeks ago, or maybe just September.  

 

Anyway, the contrast is 8 months for one notebook–all Global Flows– vs 24 months.  That will tell you pretty much all you need to know about your concentration, and in particular, your concentration at work.  So–You must have started your Shannon-affliction some time around that fall, perhaps?

No wonder they fired you.  Seriously. It’s a 1:3 ratio of paying attention to your job. Yowza

 

In that same, second notebook:

 

Interestingly, at one point you were wondering ” L p.,  F’ s reaction;  House –> don’t want to [unreadable] xx do (possibly re-do) ?; renting;  Phase of life”

 

No idea what “L p. means.” Lucia pissed maybe?  well- you were right about that. I mean, seriously?  What DID you think…that we’d congratulate you, for “getting some” ???

 

This entry is between (18-Aug-2011 and Oct-2011).  So, obviously you were thinking about telling me about your San Fran fun and games at that point, and maybe splitting. But chickened out or re-thought or something.  There is nothing about me “being hurt”  Probably this was your Lynn Bratmann appointment on 8/16, given the notes about Neal coming on thursday, and Lalicata delivering gravel the week before. 

 

Slowly, slowly, I try to reconstruct the shattered bits of my life.  I am a forensic specialist despite myself.

*Lyrics from I am a scientist by Guided by Voices.

my 3 AMs…how about yours?

I always feel like if I could just go back in time maybe I could sleep, maybe it wouldn’t all hurt so bad, maybe I wouldn’t awaken tomorrow to discover that my life remains a living nightmare. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like ripping my beating heart out of the middle of my chest and throwing it against the wall, to watch it slowly drip down the side and collapse, in a puddle, where it belongs.

Just another pile of offal.

another recent post….from another realm…

[Another writer suggested the idea of smudging the house with sage to cleanse it of the gunk from the affair and the whore involved.  It’s a great idea, especially in a case like mine where it was phone-fucking, or texting all the time, all over the house.]

“I love the smudging. I may need to do that. I’ve had the “joy” of learning this weekend that my WS (probably soon to be xWH) would text his whore while he was in bed with me. Me!

He took photos apparently of everything near and dear to my heart and sent it to her–as if it was *his* work (big fat joke there, since he rarely lifted a finger). Even my beloved dog.

What a jerk.

‘Course I don’t think the dog will take too well to being smudged!

It’s 3+ months since D-day–the day he dropped the bomb on me and casually said, while drying dishes, ‘hey, I fucked Shannon at Reunion.”  and he STILL hasn’t told me all the truth. It’s trickle trickle, dribble dribble all the time. Like some poor old guy with a prostate problem, really. Possibly, if I’m really lucky, a foretaste of his life.

Today he actually tried to convince me that 1 conversation he had with a friend about how crummy he thought (I) and our marriage was–never telling me of course–heavens!–was only one, when 2 months ago he swore it was many.

Poor lil’ dearie can’t even keep his own lies straight any more. that’s when you know they’re desperate, I guess. the Marriage Counsellor  has demanded that he write it all down, and wow, is it ever making him crazy! (He’s even ‘remembering’ things he had ‘forgotten’. Ever so Ever so convenient]  The best part is that he gets all puffed up and indignant when you say you don’t believe him. “What!  you don’t believe me! what! (pout, cry)”  As if he has any claim to be in the same state, never mind zipcode, with the truth, at any time. yeech.

I can’t believe….

…he gave up most of his life for a woman who not only wouldn’t suck his cock, but dumped him at the first sign of trouble. Oh, well. Better luck next time, asshole.

Their final texts…cue Gone with the Wind….

(from her) Ha

0:10:40 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 781.xxx.xxxx

 ###

 (from him) Woohoo! Chorus perf in 20 mins! Will email recording, based on last night reh should be awesome

 08/03/2012 19:39:03 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

 ###

(from her) Worst day

08/03/2012 19:52:08 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 781.xxx.xxxx

###

(from him)  Shouldn’t you be delivering a baby or something?

08/03/2012 0:20:50 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

 ###

(from him) Aw geez. Tough. Hang in there girl.

08/03/2012 22:51:09 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

###

 (from him) Concert was very good, just made post-concert dinner of scrambled eggs. With glass of red wine. I feel very French. (of course, our daughter actually cooked the eggs, but, you know, truth was never really happening here.)

 08/03/2012 22:52:31 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

###

(from her) Oui oui

 08/03/2012 22:53:10 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 781.xxx.xxxx

###

(from him) Off to shower, was very hot in hall. Hope you can get some rest

08/03/2012 22:58:04 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

###

 (from her) Yup

08/03/2012 23:00:10 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 7812587414

 ###

 (from her) Hot baby? (eta: my new nickname for him, “hot baby”)

08/04/2012 22:17:31 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 781.xxx.xxxx

###

(from him) Things bad here. Couldn’t live with lying, told F about SF. Not sure what’s going to happen.

08/04/2012 22:22:22 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

###

(from her) Holy shit. My fault again.

08/04/2012 22:23:07 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 781.xxx.xxxx

###

(from him) No, this was all mine. I’ll probably be out of touch for a while. I hope you understand.

 08/04/2012 22:27:07 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

###

(from him) Going to find a new couples therapist. Try to make this work. Not even sure I want to. I feel numb. And sick. I’ll miss you. (speaking as his more or less former wife, this is my favorite post of all.)

08/04/2012 22:28:00 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

###

(from her) Please erase me off your phone. (She’s done this before…knows the drill, clearly!)

08/04/2012 22:28:54 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 781.xxx.xxxx

###

 (from her) Just erase me forever, sorry I screwed up your life and family.

08/04/2012 22:29:32 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 781.xxx.xxxx

###

 (from him) You didn’t, I was emotionally absent for years. But I will do what you ask. I’m so sorry. (He fails to note that we were actually in couples therapy when he planned and fucked her.  Before and after–lied not just to me, but the therapist. nice. And, a good liar. So the “emotional availability” thing–his choice)

08/04/2012 22:35:32 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

###

(from her) I just can’t hurt you or anyone else ever again. (riiigghht..until the next available married guy comes along. cougar/predator. bad combo. lethal.)

 08/04/2012 22:36:19 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 781.xxx.xxxx

###

(from her) I think you are wonderful and very very special. I’m sorry I messed up our friendship. (And this, girls, is how you do it.  Stroke that ego (but she never sucked his cock.)

08/04/2012 22:41:14 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 781.xxx.xxxx

(from him) You didn t I did Me Me I ve got issues I haven t dealt with that have left me without much empathy I don t know I just screwed up really badly You…should stay away

 08/04/2012 22:44:47 Originating DN 7812587414 Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

###

08/04/2012 22:44:51 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx

###

(from her)  Sorry. Ok

08/04/2012 22:45:39 Originating DN 920.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 7812587414

###

08/07/12 02:00:00

(from him) F FOUND THE PHONE CALLS IM DEAD (runner-up for best comment of the affair…  : 0)

08/04/2012 22:44:51 Originating DN 781.xxx.xxxx Terminating DN 920.xxx.xxxx 

something I put on another blog

But, yeah, good for state of mind.

 

“Thanks to those who recommended the Spring book ‘How Can I Forgive You?’.  And, thanks for this post.  I’m only 2 months out from learning about my husband’s affair–he had a long Facebook flirtation–then sex with someone he barely knew, at his high school reunion, but then–they carried on a very intense emotional affair for more than a year via mostly texting, but also email and FB.  He lied to me throughout the whole thing…and also leaned on me for all kinds of emotional support, while neglecting our adolescent daughter, who was very depressed at the time.  Needless to say, I was the only parent on duty; he was highly critical of all I did to bring her through her crisis, as well.  So very painful.

We are trying to work towards reconciliation, have all kinds of therapy–a regular Greek Chorus of therapists–he is deeply ashamed and remorseful, etc etc. But… Still. we’ve been together 25 years.  I’ve poured close to half my life into this man. Ach.

I’m still figuring things out, but I do remind him that when you sow the wind, you reap the whirlwind.

The lying, betrayal, manipulation. So unnecessary, and really, all about power, in my opinion.  In our marriage, because he was emotionally unable to state his needs, he resented me, or so he says now, somehow he therefor gave himself permission to go elsewhere.

I point out that I was just as lonely, frustrated, angry….and didn’t cheat. I hope we make it.  On the other hand, who the hell wants to spend the rest of their life with a lying cheating scumbag? Or is he?

Where do we put all these emotions? As women, I think it is hard for us to adequately process the anger in a healthy way.  And when you come down to it, what would healthy be?

I would like to get to forgiveness, for my own well being, not his.  I am looking at mindfulness work and meditation to help me with being present and not reactive in anger generally.  But his behavior has deeply amped up all the sides of my personality that I have spent years trying to learn to gentle.  Just another thing that I try not to grit my teeth over.

I wish you all the very best in your journeys.”

Cards…. what the past was like

Number 1
From Denis, undated (but after June 1989):

Card text: I often find myself just thinking of you.

Note text:” HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You, my dear, are my best friend, my wife, and my lover, and I hope and plan! to celebrate many, many, many more birthdays with you.

I love you

Denis

This, of course, before he forgot about my birthday because he was too busy texting, aka phone-fucking, his mistress to even contact me on my birthday.  My, how things change.

Number 2
From Denis

Dated: December 13, 1989

“Overcoming Obstacles”

This year–to put it mildly–has been a trial for us, with much hardship. In the thick of it all it is easy to forget our happiness.

Faith, you are my world and my light. Together, I know we will see these times through and move on. All that is not right in my life is eclipsed when I am in your arms.

Your husband, friend, lover…..

Denis

Well, so THAT lasted a little while. then, he found other arms. And, eventually told me about it, too. Lucky me.